-There is so much going on
right now. Guys, the House is drafting up
articles of impeachment, North Korea is moving closer
to a nuclear missile, and Russia is interfering
in the U.K. elections. Let’s see what President Trump
is focused on. -People are flushing toilets
10 times, 15 times, as opposed to once.
They end up using more water. -Yeah, that’s right.
[ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] During a business roundtable, Trump said that people are
flushing the toilet 10 or 15 times
because of low water pressure. Trump was like, “It’s crazy.
I take off the lid, I sit on the tank,
I do my business, flush 10 times,
and nothing happens.” [ Laughter ]
Sit on the tank? People in the room were like, “Maybe you’re not jiggling
the handle properly.” He’s like, “Read the transcript.
it was a perfect jiggle.” [ Laughter ] Let’s just assume that people are flushing
their toilets 10 or 15 times. Does that mean
that people are telling the president
of the United States about their flushing habits?
[ Laughter ] Or Trump is asking about them?
I don’t understand. Like, “Forget about North Korea. How many times does it take
for you to flush?” Trump was complaining
about toilets, and he actually said
that he’s had to flush a toilet over 10 times.
Well, it might explain this commercial I saw
earlier today. Watch this. -Are you having trouble
flushing your toilet? -People are flushing toilets 10
times, 15 times. -Then you need the Trump toilet.
-Oh, my God! -The Trump toilet uses
25 gallons of water per flush. -Whoa! That’s strong.
-And it’s got built-in Wi-Fi so you can tweet
while you use it. -That’s my dream.
-And if you order now, we’ll throw in
a roll of toilet paper made out of
the failing “New York Times.” -It’s going down the tubers. -So forget about saving water
and get the Trump toilet. [ Cheers and applause ] -[ Chuckles ] Trump then spoke about
his administration’s effort to stop the production of
energy-efficient light bulbs. Listen to why he doesn’t like
new light bulbs. -And we’re doing other things —
the light bulb. They got rid of the light bulb
that people got used to. The new bulb is
many times more expensive. And I hate to say it, it doesn’t
make you look as good. Of course, being a vain person,
that’s very important to me. [ Laughter ] It gives you an orange look.
I don’t want an orange look. [ Laughter ]>>[ Whistles ] -In response,
the light bulbs were like, “Hey, don’t
shoot the messenger. Uh, you’re orange.” Yeah, Trump thinks light bulbs
make him look orange. -God.
-Which means there’s a decent chance
Trump might not know the difference between
a light bulb and a mirror. It’s like…
[ Laughter ] Today, the
House Judiciary Committee held another
impeachment hearing. Democrat Jerry Nadler said
that a jury would convict
President Trump in, quote, “Three minutes flat.” Or in other words,
the same amount of time Trump spends flushing a toilet.
[ Laughter and applause ] [ As Trump ] “Eight, nine.” [ Normal voice ] That’s right,
Democrats are being led by House chairman Jerry Nadler. Here’s a picture
of Jerry Nadler. Wow.
[ Audience ohs ] Look at his pant —
I mean, you’re laughing, but every grandpa is like,
“I like his style.” [ Laughter ] So, the Democrats on the
House Judiciary Committee have been exchanging GIFs,
G-I-F-S — GIFs — in a group text to lighten
the mood of impeachment. Yeah, that might explain
why the chairman opened today’s hearing
by saying, “In ermahgerd we trust.”
[ Laughter ] Before the impeachment hearing
began, a lawyer for the Republicans
made quite an entrance. Look at what
he brought with him. [ Indistinct conversations ] [ Light laughter ] Yeah. [ Indistinct conversations ] Meanwhile, his wife is
at the Whole Foods checkout with a briefcase
full of depositions. [ Laughter ]
Going, “What am I doing?” [ Cheers and applause ] “Ugh.” [ Chuckles ] But in his opening statement
today, the lawyer for the Republicans had an interesting choice
of words. Take a look at this. -To impeach a president
who 63 million people voted for, over eight lines
in a call transcript is baloney. [ Laughter ] -Yeah, either the impeachment
is either baloney, or he got distracted
looking into his shopping bag. [ Laughter ]
That’s right. At the hearing, Democrats
presented a lot of evidence against President Trump,
and it seems like they’ve broadened
their investigation beyond just Ukraine. Check out some of the other
scandalous evidence that they uncovered
about the president. For example, they
uncovered allegations that Trump eats
all the chunks out of Ben & Jerry’s pints, then puts the cartons
back in the freezer. That’s —
-Come on. -You can’t do that.
-No. -You can’t do that.
As well as a testimony that after watching previews,
Trump loudly comments about whether or not
he would see the movie. [ Laughter ]
[ As Trump ] “I’d see that.” [ Normal voice ] Then,
there were charges that Trump doesn’t wash his legs
in the shower, because the falling shampoo
basically gets it. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] [ Laughter ] And finally, there was evidence
that Trump sides with the husband
in the Peloton commercial. [ Laughter ]
Can you believe that? [ Applause ]
Come on. Some 2020 news.
I saw that a lot of the candidates are selling
holiday merchandise. That’s very nice.
For 50 bucks, you can get
a Joe Biden holiday sweater. And for 100 bucks,
Pete Buttigieg will come over and be your own
little Elf on the Shelf. -Aww.
[ Laughter ] -Speaking of Pete Buttigieg,
he’s in hot water because he won’t release
information about the work he did
in his first job for the consulting firm,
McKinsey. But he’s not the only one
who has a strange past. It turns out Mike Bloomberg
had a weird job when he was young.
Can we see a picture of him? Yep, turns out he was a singer
in the band Simon, Garfunkel, & Bloomberg. [ Laughter ] [ Applause ]
Odd job. This isn’t good.
Last night, Democratic candidate Marianne Williamson
fell for a hoax and tweeted that Trump had
pardoned Charles Manson. Trump heard that, and
like, “That was crazy.” And then he slowly erased
the idea from his whiteboard. [ Laughing ]
Here’s a big story today. Russia was banned
from next year’s Olympics ’cause of doping violations.
Meanwhile, when Trump heard “Russia” and “dope”
and “violations,” he said, [As Trump] “Oh, no, what did Rudy Giuliani do
this time?” [ Laughter ] [ Normal voice ]
Some business news. Walmart has apologized
for selling a sweater that features
Santa With cocaine. [ Light laughter ]
Check it out. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] I guess that explains
why Rudolph’s nose is so red. -Oh.
-Yeah. [ Laughter ]
Oh, this is sad. The wife of Papa John’s founder
John Schnatter has filed for divorce.
-Oh. [ Audience aws ] -It looks like they
already have a settlement and Papa John is being
very, very generous. He’s giving her half his money,
plus cheese sticks and a two-liter of Coke.
-Oh. [ Cheers and applause ] -I think that’s very generous. Well, this made me laugh. Ryan Reynolds got the actress
from the Peloton ad to star in a commercial
for his brand of gin, where she sips on gin
after a tough day. [ Laughter ] Though it’s a little awkward
at the end, when her husband
from the Peloton ad shows up and tells her to stop
having so many carbs. [ Audience groans ] I’m joking. these are jokes.
-Jokes. -These aren’t facts.
-He didn’t really do it. -There aren’t facts.
No, these are jokes. -[ Laughs ] [ Laughter ]
Guys, I read about a woman aboard a United Airlines flight
from San Francisco to Atlanta who was bit several times
by a scorpion. Even crazier, it was her
emotional-support scorpion. [ Laughter ] Check this out.
I read that the tube in London will now have first-class cars,
where the rich can drink champagne
and eat hors d’oeuvres. While on
the New York City Subway, you can still play
that fun game, “Is that man
passed out or dead?” [ Laughter and applause ] And finally, this weekend
in New York City, police were called
after a firefighter got into a fight
with a sanitation worker over a parking spot. Then, a biker and a sailor
walked by, and they all burst into “YMCA.”
We have a great show.